Best of Late Night

Kimmel doubted that Donald Trump would stick to his game plan of not interrupting President Biden, saying, “His discipline is unmatched!”

“Then they got a text from Trump that said, ‘Throuple?’” Fallon joked on Wednesday.

“I’m starting to think Trump writes his name on buildings just so he can remember where he lives,” Jimmy Fallon said.

“The sad thing is under MAGA law, his name is now Ronny Johnson,” Jon Stewart said after Trump referred to his former doctor, Ronny Jackson, by the wrong name.

“They always return to the scene of the crime,” Jimmy Kimmel said after the former president met with House Republicans on Thursday.

“Yeah, the president is in Italy for the G7 Summit, or as Fox News put it: ‘Biden Flees Country After Hunter Convicted,’” Fallon said.

“Wow, frankly, I’m shocked — we’re actually enforcing gun laws in America,” Jordan Klepper said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”

“Things got off to a rough start when Trump offered the probation officer $130,000,” Jimmy Fallon joked.

“He likes people who are rich and have hot wives,” Fallon said. “Well, at least he’s taking this seriously.”

“You heard that right, ladies and gentlemen: Joe Biden is old,” Colbert said of a Wall Street Journal article on the president’s aptitude.

“The Daily Show” host Ronny Chieng joked that the president “has decided to start trying to win the election” with a temporary order affecting asylum seekers.

Colbert showed off his “Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar,” which contained a bottle of bourbon.

“Did this guy get a two-for-one deal at the MAGA flag store?” Michael Kosta said of the Supreme Court justice on Thursday’s “The Daily Show.”

President Biden “sent an elite team of ultraliberal F.B.I. agents to assassinate Donald Trump, but somehow he slipped out the back door,” Kimmel joked on Wednesday.

Jimmy Fallon said Trump wanted to take the stand in his criminal case on Tuesday, “but then he saw it was three steps without a handrail.”

Colbert joked that Alito “dropped a dime on his gal” when the Supreme Court justice blamed his wife for the flying of an upside-down American flag at their home shortly after Jan. 6.

Meyers joked that “sitting front row at the Trump trial must be like the MAGA version of sitting courtside at a Knicks game.”

“Just like that, they’re going head to head, toe to toe, mano a mango,” Stephen Colbert said of two forthcoming presidential debates in June and September.

Fallon thanked his wife, his kids, “and, most of all, my lawyer, Michael Cohen.”

Michael Cohen’s testimony gave the host plenty of fodder, especially when he described Donald Trump speculating about going back “on the market.”

“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off,” Kimmel said.

“This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said about the presidential hopeful’s newly reported parasite.

The host disagreed with a judge who said Daniels could skip some of the specifics of her encounter with Donald Trump. “Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?”

Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump will likely end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”

“I think I can keep Trump awake during the trial,” Kimmel said after learning that text messages about his talk show were entered as evidence in the case.

“Does he even wear suits to court or just footie pajamas and a nightcap?” Meyers joked on Wednesday.

“I know $9,000 might not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?” Colbert said of the court-imposed penalty for violating a gag order.

“No! Bad, psycho governor! No! Sit down!” Colbert said on Monday’s “Late Show,” spraying water from a bottle.

“Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none,” Kimmel said.

“Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?” Jordan Klepper asked on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”

“Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting,” Stewart said on Monday’s “Daily Show.”

“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can,” Jimmy Kimmel said.

“Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly,” Kimmel said on Donald Trump’s day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday.

Kimmel said that former president Donald J. Trump is starring “as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”

After the ex-president seemed to fall asleep in court, Jimmy Kimmel said it was “nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.”

“You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don’t succeed, cry, cry again,” Jimmy Kimmel said.

“That is crazy — but remember it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy,” Stephen Colbert said of the state’s 160-year-old ban on abortion, newly reinstated.

“The Late Show” host changed up the adage about spring after Donald Trump had a bad day in court.

“This is America, buddy. Every day is ‘Christian Visibility Day,’” Desi Lydic said on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”

Colbert said that after the order was amended, the former president “paused, listened to his critics and launched another attack on the judge’s daughter, this time with photos.”

Jimmy Fallon joked that “Truth Social stock tanked so fast, they’re changing the name to Twitter.”

“I’m willing to bet most of the people investing in this company have never even used Truth Social,” Meyers said of Trump’s social media outlet on Thursday.

“In case you’re unfamiliar with McDaniel, she is terrible,” Stephen Colbert said of the former Republican National Committee chairwoman.

“How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?” Klepper joked of Donald Trump’s “latest very classy business venture” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.’

“It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, ‘Good news, you only owe $175 million,’” Jimmy Fallon said after the ex-president’s bond was reduced.

“If Donald Trump wants immunity, he should drink bleach like he told us to do when we wanted immunity,” Kimmel said.

Employing Paul Manafort, a former campaign adviser who was convicted of fraud, “will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison,” the “Tonight Show” host reasoned.

”What’s still a mystery is why a bunch of top secret documents were taken by a president who, by all accounts, does not read,” Jimmy Kimmel said.

“This is like iPhone ‘Footloose,’ and there’s no Kevin Bacon to save us,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.

Colbert objected to Robert K. Hur calling President Biden a “well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory” in a report on the handling of classified documents.

Why did Donald Trump go online during the Oscars to criticize Kimmel’s performance as host? Kimmel thinks he was upset because no one had mentioned his name.

“Depending on what happens in November, next year might just be a Kid Rock concert and an immigrant catapult,” Stephen Colbert joked.

“The Daily Show” guest host bemoaned that Haley dropped out after President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump crushed Super Tuesday “like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.”

“Spoiler: It’s Biden/Trump,” Stephen Colbert said. “It’s always been Biden/Trump. It will always be Biden/Trump.”

Colbert joked that justices were “again shoving their gavels up the election” by ruling that former President Donald Trump can appear on all state ballots in 2024.

Aggravated by the latest delay in Donald Trump’s election subversion trial, Colbert unleashed “the power vested in me as a late-night host” against the court.

The senator is giving up his G.O.P. leadership post. “McConnell just turned 82, so that can only mean one thing: He’s running for president,” Jimmy Fallon said.

“Not the most dignified way to deliver world-changing news,” Michael Kosta said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.’

After two “very controversial” appearances behind the “Daily Show” desk, Stewart decided to dial it down a bit for his third.

“I have much to learn,” Stewart said. “‘Disguise your deception and capitulation to power as noble and moral and based in freedom.’ Yes, master.”

“The only way to follow all of the action was to have multiple TVs,” Stephen Colbert said. “That’s why I watched all the proceedings today at a Buffalo Wild Wings.”

Kimmel joked that New York’s special House election results had to be verified “to make sure the winner wasn’t George Santos in disguise.”

“Oh man, poor Eric,” Jimmy Kimmel said after Trump recommended that his son’s wife, Lara, be named co-chair of the Republican National Committee.

Nearly nine years after signing off as host of the late night show, Stewart returned to his seat. “We’re going to have so much we are going to talk about this year,” he said Monday.

Meyers said Trump lacked “any sense of irony or self-awareness” when “he claimed it would be an attack on democracy to remove him from the ballot for attacking democracy.”

“Nikki Haley’s campaign message is ‘Nobody’s better than me,’ and Nevada agreed,” Stephen Colbert said after Tuesday’s presidential primary.

“It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping,” Jimmy Kimmel said.

“If you thought she was on your TV a lot last night, well, wait till next Sunday,” Fallon said after the pop star’s big night at the Grammys.

A new poll has President Biden leading former President Trump, thanks to 58 percent of women surveyed supporting Biden.

As the ex-president takes on the pop megastar, Jimmy Kimmel predicts this might be the offense that finally brings down Donald Trump.

Is the N.F.L. rigged? Is Taylor Swift a psy-op? Kimmel says that “this nonsense is now everywhere your angry grandpa goes.”

With the Kansas City Chiefs in the game, Colbert can’t wait to see “the biggest star in the N.F.L.” (if she can get there from Japan in time).

“We’re smack-dab in the heart of primary season, and Donald Trump is out there trying to win over the voters that matter most: his juries,” Stephen Colbert said.

Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump beat Nikki Haley by 11 points and that he’s “also leading Haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero.”

Kimmel said Republicans had a choice between “the woman who would become their party’s first-ever female nominee for president or the first guy on trial for defamation related to sexual assault.”

The now-former presidential candidate “knew it was time to go four months after the rest of us did,” said Jimmy Fallon.

“He can’t even control an umbrella,” Seth Meyers said of the former president on Thursday.

“Yep, Ramaswamy took the stage and praised Trump for eight minutes,” Fallon said. “Then he was, like, ‘Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry!’”

“Even though he barely spent any time in Iowa, it somehow made voters love him more,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “It’s the same strategy he used raising Eric and Don Jr.”

A judge initially denied Trump the chance to speak at his criminal fraud trial, “but, as 27 women can tell you, Trump doesn’t take no for an answer,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.