I Lost My Will to Live During My Pregnancy

I found out I was pregnant in December 2022. I was 22 years old at the time, and it was very unexpected. I was lucky when it came to the usual pregnancy symptoms. I never had morning sickness, for instance. But I developed this intense influx of mental health issues.

I've had anxiety my whole life, but this was different. I suddenly found myself in a deep depression. I was confused by it: I had wanted to be a mom my entire life and I was now met with this dark feeling. By the time I was about 10 weeks into my pregnancy, I struggled with feelings of intense doom.

Despite my mood completely shifting, everything in my life was going well — on paper, at least. I had just moved into an apartment that I loved and I was in a good place with my partner. We were really happy together.

I remember when it was the Super Bowl, my partner wanted to go watch the game with his family and I refused to go. I thought I just needed some sun, so I decided to go lay on the rooftop of our apartment building. But there were all of these black bugs out and about, and I started hysterically crying. I remember calling my mom and being so distraught. I was saying disturbing things that didn't match the circumstances at all.

It was like a switch had flipped and, for the first time, I was saying out loud these very sad things. I never had an intention of harming myself, but it was more of a desire to not live anymore. I remember wishing so badly that there was a way for me to end my own life without harming my baby.

My mom — who lived far away — immediately texted my husband and asked him to go and check on me. She was really concerned. That was the first instance where the people around me started to get worried.

While all of this was happening, I still kept my regular prenatal appointments. Medical staff always ask things like if you're having dark thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself and I would instantly say, "Nope!" I didn't want to be on medication while I was pregnant and I also suspected that if my doctor was aware of how I was feeling, there would likely be medication involved. That's not to say that I think people shouldn't take medication while pregnant, but I had such severe anxiety about what things could be harmful to my baby that logic went out the window.

I realized at some point that I was not having a normal pregnancy. I heard people complaining about being uncomfortable in pregnancy, but I felt like I hated it so much that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. All I did was talk about how much I hated being pregnant. It was very confusing to me at first. I felt like, "Aren't we all having these extreme mental health crises?" I just thought no one else was talking about it.

But as bad and as dark as things got, I kept telling myself that this would only last until August, when my baby was due.

There were multiple times that she begged me to come home. But I wanted to give birth where I live in Tennessee, because we have great medical personnel and a lot of medical resources for me. Still, when I started expressing how dark things were getting for me, my mom was ready to get on a plane and get my car and drive me home at a moment's notice.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, my mom and sister had come to visit and I started saying disturbing things, like I didn't care if I survived through my delivery. My mother looked at me and said, "We are going to drive your car home through the night." She was pretty much putting her foot down that I was coming home with her. But driving 18 hours when you're 40 weeks pregnant is not possible. I ended up giving birth two days later.

It was like a cloud lifted. I was so happy it was nearly over. I ate Skittles, watched a movie, and was throwing up and laughing. It felt like I had run a depression marathon and I was at the end of it.

I had a healthy 8-pound, 15-ounce baby boy and I didn't sleep for those first few days, because I was so happy. There are videos of me dancing around holding my newborn, singing and feeling so happy. It felt like the second I had him, everything was fine and every mental health issue just stopped. I expected to get slammed with postpartum depression, but I've been OK.

Looking back, I can see how dangerous it was for me to lie to my medical provider. I think that's a risk that comes with any severe mental illness or extreme experience like this one. When someone isn't in a stable place, the odds of them answering routine questions like those truthfully is so rare.

I don't want to go through another pregnancy. I'm really traumatized by the experience. In a perfect world, I would have another baby but if we made the decision to pursue that, I would have to have in-depth conversations with my medical provider to make sure I had accountability and that people would intervene if things started to go down a bad path again.

I think setting up systems like regular therapy sessions as a preventative measure at the beginning of pregnancy, when of sound mind, limits the risk of not being able to advocate for myself in the situation of things potentially escalating.

I'm also sad that the happy pregnancy experience was taken from me. It really was not what I wanted that time in my life to be. But I also know how lucky I am to still be here — and that I'm finally back to my usual self.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or a mental health crisis, the National Alliance on Mental Illness has resources available including a helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI (6424). You can also dial 988, the nation's new mental health crisis hotline.

Korin Miller is a writer specializing in general wellness, health, and lifestyle trends. Her work has appeared in Women's Health, Self, Health, Forbes, and more.