We’re Not So Different, You and I

“You’ll never get away with this!” Ultra Man vowed as he wriggled in his chains. “You may destroy me, but you’ll never destroy what I stand for!”

Death Skull let out a hysterical cackle, which echoed piercingly from the stone walls of his lair.

“Why so combative?” he said, emerging from the shadows. “At the end of the day, we’re not so different, you and I.”

“What are you talking about?” Ultra Man demanded.

“We are both strangers to this world,” Death Skull intoned. “Maligned, misunderstood. We make our own paths, live by our own rules, refuse to compromise for anyone. Yes, in many ways, we are the same.”

Ultra Man squinted at him. “I don’t know, man,” he said. “That’s a pretty big stretch. Like, I know we both wear capes, or whatever. But I stand for good, and you stand for evil. That’s about as different as it gets.”

“Hmm,” Death Skull murmured. “Hmm.”

“I told you it was pointless,” Death Skull said to his wife, Jackie. “It’s impossible to make friends after forty.”

“I do it all the time,” Jackie said.

“It’s different for guys!” Death Skull shrieked.

“I want more specifics,” Jackie pressed. “What did Ultra Man say when you asked him if he wanted to be friends with you?”

Death Skull averted his black eyes.

“Let me guess,” Jackie said. “You didn’t do it like we practiced.”

“I’m not going to just walk up to him and say, ‘Please be my friend,’ ” he scoffed. “I mean, what is this, kindergarten?”

He let out a cackle, but the echo wasn’t great, because their apartment had carpeting.

“O.K., so Ultra Man isn’t a good fit,” Jackie said. “That doesn’t mean you have to give up on friendship. Why don’t you try joining a group for villains, like the Terrible Ten or the Harvard Club?”

“The dues are obscene!” Death Skull thundered. “I don’t even play squash!”

“Look,” Jackie said. “If you want to stop being lonely—and don’t try to pretend you’re not, because you already admitted it when you were drunk—then you’ve got to be more open-minded.” She headed for the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Death Skull called after her.

“Girls’ night,” she said.

“Oh,” Death Skull said. “Right.”

He watched as she prepared a pitcher of mojitos, mashing the limes with practiced efficiency. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hosted guests of his own. His henchmen came over for dinner sometimes, but that didn’t count. As much as he liked Scuzz and Rumble, they were his employees. Even if he told them that things were going to be casual, they always came dressed up, with the jumpsuits and the belts and the whole deal. And although they usually seemed to enjoy his company, he could sense something forced about their cheer. Even the most basic of puns had them rolling around on the ground in hysterics, clutching their sides and shouting, “Good one, boss!” The truth was, from the moment he’d dropped them into toxic waste and transformed them into monsters, there’d been a power imbalance. For all he knew, they didn’t even like him; they were just pretending to, because they didn’t want to get fired or choked out or dropped back into toxic waste to be transformed into even more horrifying “next level” monsters, which was something Death Skull did to them sometimes to up the ante toward the ends of battles.

Death Skull went to the den and flicked on his supercomputer. A news update was flashing on the screen. Ultra Man had not only somehow escaped from his chains; he’d already managed to get himself invited to a party. There he was, dressed as his billionaire playboy alter ego, yukking it up with Mayor Price at some charity ball.

“Computer, enhance image,” Death Skull muttered.

He stared at the two men’s faces, trying to determine what they were laughing about. It was probably an inside joke, he decided, like a reference to something they’d laughed about some other time. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed like that, just a normal, nonhysterical laugh. It looked so fun.

He went to the living room to see if there were any more mojitos. Jackie and her friends were watching “The Bachelor.” He waited until they laughed at something, then emerged from the shadows.

“Ha ha ha, yes,” he said. “Those women on the show should all be killed.”

Jackie’s friends fell silent, clearly taken aback by his sudden looming presence.

“It’s nice to see everyone,” Death Skull said. “Claire and Britt, thank you for coming to our apartment.”

“This is Rhea and Kate,” Jackie said. “From my book club.”

“Oh,” Death Skull said. He downed the half a mojito he’d managed to scrounge from the pitcher. “So, what’s happening on the show this week?” he asked. “Who does the bachelor like?”

“Did you see that Ultra Man escaped?” Jackie said, with a hinting tone. “He’s at that big ball at the museum. If you go now, you might be able to recapture him. You could burst through the ceiling and make a joke like ‘Sorry to crash the party’ or ‘Sorry to drop in.’ You know, some pun like that.”

“I’d rather see what’s going on with this bachelor!” Death Skull said, forcing a smile at the women on the couch. “What is his deal, anyway? I mean, this guy should be dropped into toxic waste and turned into a monster, right?”

He crept toward the couch and hovered near it until Jackie begrudgingly made room for him.

“This is so fun!” Death Skull said, kicking his bony feet onto the ottoman. “HA HA HA HA HA HA.”

Later that night, while Jackie slept in the guest room, Death Skull paced and plotted. It was true that he had no friends, and it definitely seemed to be putting a strain on his marriage. But he was used to battling back from the brink. No one had believed that he could escape from the Asylum for the Criminally Insane, and he had done that several hundred times. He would find a friend—and not just any friend. The greatest friend of all. A friend that was cooler than Ultra Man, cooler than Mayor Price, cooler even than Rhea and Kate from Jackie’s book club—a friend so cool that the world would have no choice but to admit that he, too, was cool. Yes—he could see it all now. The scheme was already forming in his mind, a plan so simple that it made him cackle hysterically.

“Please stop cackling,” Jackie texted him from the guest room. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“I have a plan to make a friend,” he texted back.

“We can talk about it tomorrow,” she texted. “Please don’t laugh like that again. Good night.”

“O.K.,” he texted back, followed by the skeleton-hand thumbs-up emoji he used with her sometimes. “I love you.” He looked out the window and peered down at the city lights below. Tomorrow, a new dawn would rise over Empire City, and with it a new age. Yes, there was no stopping it now. Victory would soon be his.

“Is this your first time at male-friendship speed dating?”

“Yes,” Death Skull said, shifting awkwardly in his folding chair.

“Same here,” the man seated across from him said. “My name is Doug.”

“I know what your name is,” Death Skull snapped. “Your information is written on the card.”

“Oh,” Doug said. “Right.” He was wearing an overly large blue oxford shirt that Death Skull could tell had been purchased with this event in mind. The paper tags had been removed, but a few plastic fasteners remained, protruding from various buttonholes on his sleeves and chest.

“Are you having fun?” Doug asked.

“No,” Death Skull said. “This event is unbelievably pathetic. When I signed up online, I didn’t realize it would be like this.”

“What did you think it would be like?” Doug asked.

“I don’t know,” Death Skull said. “I just didn’t think that it would be this sad and fucked up.”

“Oh,” Doug said.

Death Skull checked the egg timer. They’d been sitting across from each other for only three minutes. There were still twelve to go.

“Have you seen ‘Rick and Morty’?” Doug ventured.

“No,” Death Skull said.

“Never?”

“Never!” Death Skull bellowed, slamming his fist so hard against the plastic card table that it left an indentation of his knuckles.

He checked the egg timer and was shocked to discover that it still read twelve minutes. Incredibly, not even one minute had passed since he’d last checked it.

“You should really watch ‘Rick and Morty,’ ” Doug said. “I think you’d really like it.”

“How do you know?” Death Skull demanded. “You know nothing of me or my ways!”

“I just think you’d like it,” Doug murmured.

Death Skull sighed. “Maybe you’re right,” he allowed. “A lot of guys have said that to me today. That I would like the TV show ‘Rick and Morty.’ ”

“It’s really funny,” Doug said.

“I guess I’ll check it out,” Death Skull said.

Doug smiled. “Awesome.”

Death Skull skimmed the informational card in front of him. “So,” he said indifferently. “It says here you work for the phone company.”

“Yeah,” Doug said.

“Well, at least you have a job,” Death Skull said. “The Fast Friends Web site said this event was for busy urban professionals. So far, everyone I’ve met has been fully unemployed.”

“Oh,” Doug said.

“What do you do for the phone company?”

“I’m in customer service,” Doug said.

Death Skull cocked his head and smirked. “Then I guess you could say you really answer the call! ”

He paused for laughter, but none came.

“Was that a joke?” Doug asked, with genuine confusion.

“Yes,” Death Skull said.

“Oh,” Doug said, chuckling politely. “Good one.” The egg timer ticked between them.

“I’m excited for you to watch ‘Rick and Morty,’ ” Doug said. “I think you’ll really like it.”

“You said that already,” Death Skull said.

“Sorry,” Doug said. “I’m a little out of it. I had to work late last night.”

Death Skull leaned forward slightly in his folding chair. “How come?”

“There was this really angry customer. Just kept going off on me.”

“Does that happen often?”

“Every day,” Doug said. “Sometimes when I pick up the phone they’re already screaming, before I even say hello.”

Death Skull stared at Doug as if seeing him for the first time. “It sounds like, in some ways, you’re a stranger to this world,” he said. “Maligned, misunderstood.”

“Yeah, kind of,” Doug said. “Like, this guy last night, he kept saying he wished I would get ass cancer, just because I wouldn’t refund his April bill. And I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but I have to follow company protocol.’ ”

“Because you make your own path,” Death Skull said. “Live by your own rules, refuse to compromise for anyone.”

“Yeah,” Doug said. “I mean, kind of.” His stomach gurgled audibly. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m pretty hungry.”

“I’m hungry, too. The Web site said there would be food.”

“Yeah,” Doug said. “I mean, there were those chips, but they went fast.”

“Tell me about it,” Death Skull said. “I only got, like, three chips.”

“I think I got, like, half a chip,” Doug said.

The men shared a short, nonhysterical laugh. Death Skull eyed the egg timer. He was surprised to discover that their time was almost up, and even more surprised that he was disappointed.

“You know, Doug,” he said. “We’re not so different, you and I.”

Doug broke into a broad grin. “Really?” he said. “That’s great!” He cleared his throat. “Hey, maybe, since we’re both still hungry, we could get lunch after this?”

Death Skull smiled. He was about to suggest Buffalo Wild Wings when he heard a familiar whooshing noise. He turned just in time to see Ultra Man flying toward them through an open window, his chiselled jaw clenched with determination. Everyone in the convention center stopped and stared as he landed on their table.

“Fear not, citizen!” he cried, extending a brawny hand to Doug. “I’ll save you!”

Doug looked puzzled. “From what?”

“From Death Skull,” Ultra Man said. “Isn’t he terrorizing you?”

Doug laughed. “Oh, no!” he said. “It’s nothing like that! This is a male-friendship speed-dating event. See?” He pulled a worn brochure out of his fanny pack. He had to stand to pass it up to Ultra Man, and Death Skull was startled by how short he was. Ultra Man flipped through the brochure slowly, as if savoring it. Most of his expression was obscured by his mask, but Death Skull could make out the hint of a smile on the visible portion of his face.

“Wow,” Ultra Man said. “So, Death Skull, you’re just, like, here? As a participant?”

Death Skull could feel his heart pounding in his rib cage.

“No,” he heard himself say. Doug’s smile faded.

“It was all part of my evil plan,” Death Skull continued, doing his best to ignore Doug’s wounded gaze. “I was only pretending to be part of this event, so I could get close enough to people to . . . you know . . . steal from them.”

“So let me get this straight,” Ultra Man said. “You signed up for a male-friendship speed-dating event so you could gain the trust of lonely men in order to rob them?”

“Yeah,” Death Skull said. “Ha ha ha.”

“Man, that’s fucked up,” Ultra Man said. “You normally do, like, diamond heists.” He checked Doug’s card. “This guy works for the phone company. How much cash could he possibly have on him?”

A flicker of hurt flashed across Doug’s face.

“Don’t worry,” Ultra Man said, giving Doug’s shoulder a patronizing squeeze. “I’ll save you.”

Doug’s cheeks were mottled with humiliation, but he managed to contort his lips into an approximation of a smile.

“Thanks,” he said.

Ultra Man roughly tossed Doug over his shoulder and flew out the window, the tails of Doug’s shirt flapping kitelike in the breeze. Death Skull watched them for as long as he was able, and when they disappeared from view he felt a sinking sensation unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, as it dawned on him for the first time in his life that he might be, on some level, a bad guy.

Death Skull was sitting in the den, drinking the dregs of a mojito, when he heard a light knock on the door.

“Hey,” Jackie said. “Just wanted to check in. Haven’t heard a cackle in a while.”

“I’m fine,” Death Skull said, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

“There’s an event at the museum tonight,” she said brightly. “They’re unveiling the world’s biggest diamond ring. Maybe you could crash through the ceiling and say, ‘Ring, ring, it’s me.’ You know, like a pun on the word ‘ring.’ ”

Death Skull sighed. It was a great pitch and, delivery-wise, completely in his wheelhouse. But he just couldn’t find the motivation.

“Be honest,” he said. “Do you think I’m a bad guy?”

Jackie hesitated. “I mean, sort of,” she admitted. “You’re a psychopathic ghoul who will stop at nothing to serve your megalomaniacal greed.”

“I guess that’s why I have no friends,” he said. “Because I’m a monster.”

Jackie sat down beside him on the couch. “Or maybe it’s the other way around.”

“What do you mean?”

She took his bony hand in hers. “You know, we’ve been together twenty years and we’ve never once talked about your origin story.”

“It’s not that complicated,” Death Skull said. “I fell into a vat of toxic waste, and it transformed me into an anthropomorphic skeleton.”

“No, your real origin story,” she said. “Middle school.”

Death Skull grew even paler than usual as he recalled his years of being bullied. The names, the jokes, the pranks. In ninth grade it got to the point where he was, like, Maybe I am gay—that was how much they’d got in his head. By the time he reached adulthood, he’d given up on trying to befriend people. It was safer to try to impress them or, if that failed, to knock them out with brightly colored gas. Being a monster hadn’t made him lonely. Being lonely had made him a monster.

A peal of laughter pulled him from his reverie. “It sounds like ‘The Bachelor’ is starting,” he observed.

Jackie squeezed his knobby fingers. “Do you want to watch with us?”

The offer was tempting, but Death Skull managed to resist.

“Thank you,” he said, rising to his feet. “But I’ve got work to do.”

Death Skull sat at his supercomputer, plotting his next move. Fast Friends had refused to provide him with Doug’s contact information on the ground that the two of them had not technically matched. If he wanted to find Doug, he would have to resort to more nefarious means. He pulled up the Web site for the phone company and dialled the help line.

“This is Doug from Empire Mobile. Thank you for calling customer service. Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.”

“Recorded?” Death Skull raised a craggy eyebrow, which was not visible to Doug. “Maybe we should tell them to mind their phone business!”

He laughed hysterically.

“Are you still there?” he asked after some time had passed.

“Yeah,” Doug said.

“Listen, I’m sorry about before,” Death Skull said.

“I’m not supposed to take personal calls,” Doug said.

“What about making your own path? Living by your own rules?”

“I’ve got to go.”

“I just wanted to say that I’ve thought it over, and I do want to hang out sometime.”

“Well, I don’t!” Doug said with a self-possession that caught Death Skull off guard. “I don’t want to hang out with someone who’s embarrassed to be seen with me.”

“It’s not like that,” Death Skull said.

“I don’t believe you,” Doug said. “Thank you for calling Empire Mobile.”

“Doug!”

Death Skull grimaced as the phone went dead in his hands. But his disappointment gave way to resolve. He’d blown it with Doug—that much was certain—but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make things right. Yes, he could see it all now—a way to win back Doug’s trust. The ruse was so elegant, it made him cackle hysterically.

“I think I figured out how to work things out with Doug,” he texted Jackie. “But you don’t need to text back. I know you’re watching ‘The Bachelor.’ Enjoy the rest of the episode. We’ll talk later. I love you.”

Death Skull sat in a towering armchair, his black eyes reflecting the embers in his fireplace. Scuzz and Rumble stood on either side of him, their bulging arms folded in a show of menace.

“Ready, boss?” Scuzz asked.

“Ready,” Death Skull said.

He grinned as the camera flicked on, beaming his ghastly face onto every TV screen in Empire City.

“This is Death Skull,” he announced. “And I’ve commandeered the airwaves. Don’t try to change the channel. I’m the bonely show in town!”

Scuzz and Rumble fell to the ground, clutching their sides.

“Good one, boss!” Scuzz said.

“Yeah!” Rumble said. “Wowie-zowie, wow!”

Death Skull sighed. “Guys, come on,” he said. “It wasn’t that good.”

“We thought it was!” Scuzz said, a panicked expression in his eyes.

“Yeah!” Rumble said.

“O.K.,” Death Skull said, letting the matter drop. He stared at the camera’s blinking red light. There were millions of people watching him right now—Ultra Man, Mayor Price, probably some people that he went to high school with. But that was the whole point. He took a deep breath and kept going.

“I want to send a message to the people of Empire City,” he said. “Normally, when I do this, it’s to announce a crime that I’m planning to commit, which I realize, as I’m saying it out loud, is a shortsighted thing for me to do. In any case, I recently signed up for a male-friendship speed-dating event, because I’ve been having trouble making friends.”

Scuzz and Rumble exchanged a look, which Death Skull clocked but ignored.

“While I was there,” Death Skull said, “I met someone I thought was cool. His name is Doug, and he works for the phone company. And I know he’s watching, because we’re three minutes into the new episode of ‘Rick and Morty.’ Doug, I want you to know that I’ve finally watched some episodes, and you were right. I love the show. It’s so good. And this episode I’ve interrupted is going to be on again tomorrow night, and I’ve decided to host a watch party at my apartment. So, no pressure whatsoever, but, if you’re not still mad at me, I’d love it if you could be there. I know I didn’t make the greatest first impression. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself. But I’m not a bad guy, or at least I don’t want to be a bad guy anymore. And I know that normally I end these messages by doing that crazy laughing thing, where the camera pushes in on my face while I absolutely lose it, but this time I’m just going to put up my cell number, and, Doug, you can text if you want, but, again, no pressure. That’s it. That’s everything. Good night.”

He turned to his henchmen as the camera flickered off.

“You guys are invited, too,” he said. “But it’s seriously optional. If you’re busy, I won’t be offended or choke you out or anything like that. That’s not who I am anymore.”

Scuzz and Rumble exchanged a hopeful look.

“Does that mean you’ll transform us back into humans?” Scuzz asked.

“Well, no, I can’t do that,” Death Skull said. “That’s not how toxic waste works.”

“So these changes to our bodies are permanent.”

“Yeah.”

“So I’m always going to be, like, this rhinoceros.”

“Yeah.”

“Man,” Scuzz said. “Fuck.”

Death Skull flashed him a playful smirk. “At least you can say you’re really a made man! ”

He paused for laughter, but Scuzz just stared in silence at his hooves.

“I can’t believe I’m going to die like this,” he said.

“I’m really sorry,” Death Skull said. “How about I pay for plastic surgery? There’s got to be a way to at least shave down your hooves into the shape of feet. That’s something, right?”

“It’s better than nothing,” Scuzz acknowledged.

Death Skull’s phone buzzed, and he frantically pulled it from his robe. He’d told himself that it didn’t matter whether Doug responded, that he’d already done something valuable simply by reaching out. But when the text came in it felt like a diamond in his hand.

“Do I put the limes in whole?” Death Skull asked.

“No,” Jackie said. “You just want the juice.”

“Oh,” Death Skull said.

“Don’t worry,” Jackie said. “You’re going to do great.” She eyed her phone. “I’d better get going. Marlyse made a reservation.”

Death Skull watched as she checked her lipstick in the mirror. “Look at us,” he said. “You’re seeing friends, and I’m seeing friends.” He hesitated. “We’re not so different, you and I.”

She pulled him in for a kiss. There was a knock on the door, and Jackie began to offer reassurance, but Death Skull was already bounding down the hallway with excitement. He took three deep breaths to steady himself and swung the door open. Doug was wearing the same shirt as last time, but at some point he’d managed to remove the fasteners.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Death Skull said.

He wasn’t sure whether to shake Doug’s hand or hug him, so he split the difference, pumping Doug’s fist with one hand while sort of rubbing his shoulder with the other.

“This is Scuzz and Rumble,” he said, leading Doug into the living room. “They haven’t seen ‘Rick and Morty’ yet.”

“You’re gonna love it,” Doug told them. “Oh, I brought Fritos, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Death Skull said, taking the bag. “Hopefully you’ll get more than half a chip this time!”

Doug and Death Skull shared a gentle chuckle.

“I don’t get it,” Scuzz admitted.

“It’s an inside joke we have,” Death Skull said proudly. “But don’t worry. I’ll tell you all about it.” ♦

This is drawn from “Glory Days.”