What’s up, boss? I’m Bennet, and I’m the chief budtender here at Phat Nectar Dispensaries. I’m super stoked that you came in today.
Whether you’re brand-new to smoking, or if it’s just been a while since you checked out the now booming world of recreational cannabis, our shop offers the best quality and variety of flowers, pre-rolls, extracts, dabs, disposables, and vape cartridges.
I know it can be overwhelming to pick out the right weed, but that’s what I’m here for. Let me walk you through a few options so that we can find the perfect strain for you.
Turpentine Gelato
O.K., so this guy here has your standard one-to-one CBD-to-THC ratio, which means it offers a really nice, balanced high. I recommend it if you’re looking to have a chill movie night at home during which you’ll spend the entire length of the film contemplating whether every single person you’ve ever been friends with secretly dislikes you. It’s for sure one of our most popular strains.
Fiscal Daydream
This is one of my personal faves. It’s got a big terpene profile, so it’s a great fit if you want to confront the fact that your father has an inner life just like yours, and that he’s trying his best. This one is on our Premium Flower tier, so it’s a little pricier, but we have a fifteen-per-cent-off promo running right now if you enter your phone number at one of the checkout kiosks.
Jazz-Fusion Cookie Cake
Take a look under the light here at this one. See those tiny orange hairs? This strain is really cool because it’s basically our growers’ attempt to grapple with the question “Lots of old buildings have roofs that collapse—why should your building be any different?” Another neat thing about this strain is that, if you smoke it before playing a board game with friends, it will make you unable to process or retain simple rules, which you can extrapolate into a private panic attack about whether you’ll develop dementia when you’re older.
Teen-Age Skittles
I love this strain for creativity. It’s perfect for solo brainstorming sessions about fallback careers—your cousin works at a Verizon store, and those guys actually make decent money if you become a manager, right?—for when the other shoe inevitably drops and your employer fires you, after finally discovering what an incompetent fraud you are. Feel free to give it a smell, and let me know if you like how that’s hittin’ your nose.
Finnegans Wake ’n’ Bake
I know you mentioned that you deal with a bit of anxiety. My buddy Craig was a psych major at U.C. Boulder for his first semester of freshman year, so I can totally relate. If you’re looking for something to help you unwind, this strain’s higher CBD concentration is gonna give you that nice, calming body high. It’ll help relax you enough to try calling the Mediterranean restaurant on your block to order takeout. From there, the heavy crystal deposits will make it so that you can’t tell if you’ve been on the phone for thirty seconds or twenty-five minutes. A super vibey high for sure.
Strawberry H.V.A.C.
All right, man, we’ve covered a lot, and I know there are a ton of options. But honestly, dude, it just comes down to whether you prefer indicas or sativas. A mnemonic I like to share with folks to help them remember the difference is that “in-di-ca” will make you feel like you’re “in-da-catastrophizing grips of an existential tailspin over the fact that you ‘learned math wrong’ in high school, and that you should set a phone reminder to relearn math correctly, and maybe take one of those free online Khan Academy classes because somehow relearning math will fix the regrets of your adult life, atone for your missteps, and stave off the onslaught of dread that accompanies most of your waking thoughts.” Simple, right? So, yeah, if it seems like indicas are your jam, I highly recommend this strain.
That’s pretty much it, boss. Hit me up if you have any questions. There’s an A.T.M. over by the door, and, if you need any lighters or rolling papers, just let me know!
