Name: Hot rodent boyfriends.
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Imagine if vermin were sexually attractive.
What do you mean, “imagine”? I can see you’ve been reading online Ratatouille fan fiction again. But this isn’t about sexy rats.
Boo. It’s about famous men who look like sexy rats.
Yay? There are more of them than you could possibly believe, too.
There are? Oh boy, there sure are. Timothée Chalamet? Total sexy rat. Barry Keoghan? What a sexy rat that man is. Jeremy Allen White? Sex on four tiny legs. Josh O’Connor? He could scurry up my drainpipe.
Oh my God, you’re right. I know I’m right. Ever since someone on the internet said that this was going to be the summer of sexy men who look like rats – hot rodent boyfriend summer – it’s become impossible to unsee. What’s really amazing is that they all look like slightly different types of sexy rat.
They do? Oh, sure. Chalamet looks like a rat from a Disney film. White looks like a slightly tranquillised rat. O’Connor looks like a sort of sexy henchman rat, the sort of tall and lumbering rat employed to maintain the personal safety of the Rat King. The Rat King is obviously Keoghan, who looks like the sort of rat that would have your face off if you cornered him.
You know, this seems problematic. I don’t believe it. You think that a popular if short-lived internet fad might not be ideologically sound?
All the men you’ve mentioned are white, for example. Hey, listen, I’m just reporting the men that maybe seven or eight extremely online people have called sexy rodents. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Also, it doesn’t seem very nice to compare people to rats. Not just rats. Sexy rodent boyfriends, which implies that a) they can be any form of rodent from rat to mouse to potentially capybara, b) people find them sexually attractive and c) they also seem like nice enough people to get into long-term relationships with.
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I still don’t know. Matty Healy is a sexy rodent boyfriend.
Actually, you know what? I get it now. See? There’s nothing wrong with having the pinched and delicate facial features of a rodent. In fact, it’s highly desirable these days. Maybe you’re just jealous because you’re broad and conventionally attractive.
No, I can change! What do I need to do? Mess up my hair? Make my teeth more prominent? Break into your kitchen and defecate everywhere? It’s too late. You’ve missed the trend. You’ll never be attractive to a bunch of weird internet posters. Deal with it.
Do say: “My ideal man is a sexy rodent boyfriend.”
Don’t say: “Please can he have a little bit of cheese?”