How to ‘Gray Rock’ Conversations With Difficult People

Take a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. It’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable.

Are you bored yet? If so, that’s kind of the point.

Most people will eventually lose interest in a dull piece of granite. So there’s a theory percolating online that if you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict.

It’s called the “gray rock” method, and over the last decade it has spread on social media, including among TikTok influencers, who have shared strategies to channel your inner rock. It even surfaced on a recent episode of the reality show “Vanderpump Rules,” when a cast member, Ariana Madix, said that using the technique had helped her avoid toxic interactions with her ex-boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, who had been unfaithful.

The goal of the gray rock technique is to disengage without ending contact, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.” People who gray rock remain neutral, keep their interactions “trim and slim,” and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against them, she added.

But while some psychologists say that the method is helpful under certain circumstances, it isn’t always the right solution.

How does ‘gray rocking’ work?

There isn’t an official set of rules for gray rocking. The method has not been studied, nor is it derived from an evidence-based psychological practice.