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The Best Sex Advice Might Also Be the Hardest to Follow
Some couples would rather get divorced than talk openly about their intimate lives.
![An illustration of a couple lying down and facing each other on a bed shaped like a three-dimensional speech bubble. They both wear pajamas.](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2024/05/17/well/17WELL-SEX-TALKS-REPRESSED/17WELL-SEX-TALKS-REPRESSED-articleLarge.jpg?quality=75&auto=webp&disable=upscale)
As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open, honest communication. To have good sex — and to keep having good sex over time — couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.
But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Achieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts” — especially if things in the bedroom aren’t going particularly well.
“One of the things I often say to couples who are having trouble is: ‘I wish there was another way through this,’” he said. “But the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to resume your sex life, is to discuss it.”
Dr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful those conversations can be, sometimes deteriorating into finger-pointing, belittling or stonewalling. That said, these suggestions may help.
Embrace the awkwardness.
It’s common for partners to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent of what they don’t like.
Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City, said her patients frequently tell her that talking about sex is “awkward” — which is especially true “if you’ve spent months or years avoiding it,” she said.
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