quiz

The Best Smutty Love Interests Are … Sentient Objects?

By , a Cut contributor covering internet culture
Illustration: Sunny Wu

As the old internet adage goes: If it exists, there is porn of it. TikTok’s book community, BookTok for short, has proven the same is true of spicy romance novels. If it exists, someone has made it the romantic lead in a smutty book. Emphasis on the it. You are now entering the world of sentient-object smut. Welcome!

The genre is … exactly what it sounds like. A (usually) human protagonist falls in love/lust with an object that has gained sentience via curse, magic spell, or other paranormal forces. Cassie Durand, who runs the aptly named TikTok account @UnfortunateReads, has reviewed everything from gingerbread-man smut to garden-gnome smut to glittery purple-Crocs smut. “I have a soft spot for Light Me Up by Sabrina Cross,” says Durand, referring to a book that can be loosely described as Pixar-lamp erotica. “The entire story was born out of an unhinged Threads conversation I had with the author.”

If you’re new to this NSFW corner of the proverbial bookstore, you might not get exactly how far and wide the range of literal things smut authors have figured out ways for their characters to have sex with. Consider the below then an educational quiz. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a browser history to clear.

Which of These Smut Books Are Real?

And which are ones I just made up?

Anne has a favorite pillow, if you know what I mean. She has a night of, um, fun with said pillow, which turns into a hot human man. Innuendos about stuffing ensue.
A woman is seduced by her sentient front door. “Front door” is not a euphemism; she has sex with her literal door.
A few months after his wife dies, a man sees a worm and is like, “That’s my wife.” To his credit, it kind of is his wife. He has sexual fantasies that involve cutting his worm wife in half.
When Ginny’s new earbuds connect to her phone, she is intrigued by the sultry, automated voice that says her device is “connected.”
After her plane crashes in the Australian outback, Joanna meets a six-foot-tall platypus man. He can talk, but he has a bill. You can use your imagination from there.
A man named Dev has the hots for the Twitter bird logo and surprise — they exchange horny DMs and eventually have IRL sex. (This book’s publication predates the platform’s name change, though a smutty romance story called X basically writes itself.)
A woman has sex with an uninhabited Easter-bunny costume that has been brought to life by a magic spell. His semen tastes like candy.
After a breakup, all June wants to do is curl up in bed with a rom-com and a bowl of her favorite ice cream: Dotties, a knockoff version of Dippin’ Dots. Her tears fall into the Dotties, magically giving them life, and her ice-cream pity party turns into an orgy with a hundred sexy ice men.
This spicy romance features a woman having sex with Clippy, the animated paperclip mascot for Microsoft Word.
A woman wants to lose her virginity to a demon that’s obviously trapped inside a crocheted octopus.
An alien takes the form of a bee and comes to Earth to find the perfect “female specimen” to “pollinate.” The book is loosely based on The Bee Movie.
A horny demon possesses a bottle of the limited-edition purple Heinz ketchup. His semen tastes like tomatoes.
A woman microwaves a couple of Easter marshmallow Peeps and they turn into human men. The story gives “fluffernut” a different meaning.
Dr. Alexa is trying to develop a cure for COVID-19. Her boss, who has COVID, takes an untested version of Dr. Alexa’s cure, which magically turns him into the physical embodiment of the coronavirus. Social distancing be damned.
Two friends jokingly press “6969” on an ATM number pad, awakening the ancient god that lives inside. They have a threesome, really utilizing the ATM’s cash slot.
A witch curses a himbo named Connor, turning him into a rake that lives in the garage of a woman named Taylor. She and the rake do exactly what you’re thinking.
In a world where hamburgers have been made illegal, Emmy meets and falls in love with none other than the Hambandit, a knockoff of the McDonald’s Hamburglar.
A woman falls in love (and has sex) with a sentient coffee mug.
The title — Smashed by the Christmas Inflatables — says it all. A woman has sex with an inflatable lawn decoration.
Love and Suction is the sexy love story between a man and his vacuum-cleaner shape-shifter girlfriend.
In Taken for Granted, Raven finds $50 on the ground, and her good luck doesn’t end there. This isn’t just any dollar bill, but one that contained the trapped ghost of President Ulysses S. Grant. To free his spirit, Raven must have sex with the paper money. And, reader? She makes it rain.
Jewel casts a spell to get $2,000, and something goes wrong. A sentient (and muscular) stimulus check appears in her attic, and she is certainly stimulated.
A man is … enjoying himself with a metal sculpture of a horse during a lightning storm. The story begins with a quote from the Wikipedia page for lightning.
Mandi opens a can of Pamplemousse LaCroix, takes a sip, and feels … different. The carbonation has taken on a life of its own, bringing a bubbling sensation to every part of her body. Torn between finishing her refreshing beverage and prolonging the experience with this sexy sparkling water, Mandi must choose which thirst she wants to quench.

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The Best Smutty Love Interests Are … Sentient Objects?