[SURF SOUNDS] “I loved you.” [MUSIC PLAYING] “Is this for me, Daddy?” “No!” [MUSIC PLAYING] “I would have done anything for you. But you never loved me back. In fact, you almost killed me. But I’m one of the lucky ones, I suppose, because I’m still here.” [WATER GURGLING] “Can you pass me the cup?” “Oh, yeah, do you want a glass?” “Yeah, because sometimes, I can’t pee when I — thank you.” “Do you not get stage fright?” “Yeah, that’s why I’m drinking water. I’m just going to go this way.” “OK.” “It’s very unglamorous.” [LAUGHS] “OK.” [TOILET FLUSHING] [FAUCET RUNNING] “If it’s negative, it should show up straight away.” “It always brings, like, nerves?” “Yeah?” “Well, I don’t know. It’s just like —” “Why would you feel nervous if you’ve not done anything?” “I obviously know I haven’t done anything. It’s just — you know.” “Well, I mean, you should be proud of not using.” “I know. But this, to be honest, isn’t about me. Like, I know if I’ve used or I haven’t used. I don’t need a bit thing to tell me.” “No, I know. But isn’t it nice for you to reassure me that you haven’t, so then you can feel —” “Yeah.” “— well, maybe not proud, but —” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. But I think it comes from a place of having broken some trust.” “Well, yeah. It’s no harm in having them. We need to have them, just not as a deterrent but as a peace of mind. It’s negative across the board.” “OK.” “I mean, it’s not news.” “Well, yeah.” “But that whole back-of-your-head voices thing, an example being, like, when you went to Una’s and you got stuck in London —” “Oh, yeah.” “— because of what had happened on the train, I was like, ‘Hmm, I wonder if you’ve used.’” “Because I didn’t know that about — I didn’t know you thought that until now.” “I didn’t think that. Let’s be clear. I didn’t think you had used. Something came into my head that was like, ‘Oh, I wonder if you have.’ It’s not the same as thinking you have.” “I know. I feel so bad, though.” “Why?” “Because I just feel like — I just feel like I’ve done so much damage. And — ugh.” “Bin it or frame it?” “Probably bin it.” “I remember the first time I died. Everything becomes still. The problem is that it’s so still, your body literally forgets how to breathe. And so it just stops. Three hours later, I was back looking for you.” [MUSIC PLAYING] “I’ve been on a synthetic substitute to help wean me off you for the past six years. I’m 35 now. And if I ever want to have a family of my own, then I need to be thinking about cutting all ties whatsoever. [EXHALES] Come off too soon, and I’m back to Square 1. But leave it too long, and it might be too late. And there’s no way of knowing either way.” [SOUNDS FROM TV] [PHONE RINGING] “Hello?” “All right, it’s Dr. Sultana. How are you?” “I’m fine, Dr. Sultana. Thank you. How are you?” “So it’s your drug review, but also general review, looking at your notes.” “Well, what’s the withdrawal like? Is it quite bad? Should I take a week off work, do you think?” “Everybody’s a bit different. I think what we have to do is — and the other thing is not to go cold turkey.” “No, I don’t know — I still — I’ve been putting it off, I think. So I just need to — I don’t know.” “And what’s your thoughts about conceiving in the meantime?” “It just feels like, if I can, why not just come off it first or reduce or —” “I mean, there’s two issues. Is it harmful early on?” “Yeah.” “And it’s all purely — it’s more of a withdrawal thing. To always do it preconceptually is better.” “Right. OK, yeah. It was my search for family and belonging that led me to you, as absurd as that may sound. I was born during the Great Storm of 1987 in a two-up, two-down on Cromwell Road. Bespoke ceramic mugs hung in the kitchen, one for all of us, each inscribed with the relevant family member’s name in dark, indelible ink, like a tattoo. But one by one, each mug came down. First, it was my mom’s, after an aneurysm when I was 5 months old. She went to bed and never woke up. Fourteen years later, my dad was in a car crash just outside the Devil’s Punchbowl in Hindhead. Nobody really knows what happened there. But they’ve put lines on the road to make it safer now. Owen jumped off the Menai Bridge. There’s no words for that. And the last two cups that belonged to me and my brother just looked a little bit sad hanging there on their own. The others were even more conspicuous by their absence and a painful reminder of what had been lost. We never spoke about it. I don’t know who took them down. I kind of wish they hadn’t. And I don’t know where they ended up. Probably landfill. My brother departed for war zones, Afghanistan, South Sudan. I settled for the war inside my head.” [SEAGULLS CALLING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [INAUDIBLE] [DOG PADDING ACROSS FLOOR] [PANTING DOG] “Hi, baby. Good morning, baby. Good boy, good boy.” “Good boy. It’s the end of an era. Yeah, um. I didn’t realize I was actually, like, scared until now. It just feels like I don’t — I’m worried I’m, like, rushing it now a little bit or that I am not ready or that it’s not — I guess I’m just worried. I guess I’m just worried. That’s all.” “I mean, you could go back on.” “I know. That’s it. I think that’s just all that I need to remember, is I can go back on, yeah.” “You do look worried.” “I know.” “I’m proud of you.” “I’m worried, like, I don’t know who I am, not on it.” “I remember sitting out the back of the flat when you were cold-turkeying from the actual stuff.” “Yeah.” “I don’t know. But I don’t imagine it’s going to be like that.” “No, it’s more that I just feel like I’ve been walking around maybe a little bit numb for — what is it? — six years now and that I’m more scared of that.” [MUSIC PLAYING] “And he told me to get out immediately, do not engage with her situation at all. And I said, ‘I’m not up for that. I really, really love this woman.’” “It does worry me sometimes that you don’t allow yourself to be angry. You found it first.” “Did I?” “Before we got married. I think you were hurt.” “I honestly don’t remember.” “You’ve buried it deep, Julyan.” [MUSIC PLAYING] “And all the damage that I’ve done goes round and round and round, because you can scrub real hard on the outside, clean every square inch. But what about all the filth and rot that’s left on the inside? What about that?” “Do you need anything to help with the nausea or anything?” “No, it’s OK. It just has to just pass, I think. Thank you.” “OK.” “I’m just going to go back to lying down. I honestly do really worry that this is just what normal feels like. And this is the feeling I was trying to escape.” “God.” “That’s the scariest part.” “Yeah.” “Like, what if this is just normal and I just am someone who can’t do normal?” “I mean, you have to believe that this isn’t normal, because your body is dealing with losing something that it’s used to having in its system.” “I know, but it’s so, like, it’s more in my mind. Everything’s so bleak. And I can’t find — I can’t — it’s finding that, like, I can’t find anything.” “I don’t know what to say.” “No, I know. I’m sure it’s fine. I just — it’s just, it’s just trying to trick me and make me —” “Well, that’s what it’s always done, hasn’t it?” “Yeah.” “It’s never a straight line forward when it comes to you. It’s not — it’s unopened. It’s just up there.” “Did you go and score?” “Yeah, but I haven’t used it. It’s just up there. I’m sorry.” “Are you sure you haven’t used? I think you have used a little bit.” “I just wanted to feel normal for a second. Sorry.” “It’s fine.” “Let’s turn this off.” “Is this for me?” “No, we’re heading off. You see, it might not be. The tools, Miranda, with love from Daddy.” “Last night, I dreamt of you. You’re like a phantom limb that itches in the night, like a rash I can’t get rid of. And inevitably, as always, it all comes back to you.” “Well, that’s [INAUDIBLE].” “I don’t know. Maybe it’s silly.” “No.” “I just — it’s really short. I just want to say I feel like I’ve said sorry too many times. And it doesn’t mean anything anymore. But I am sorry. I think I thought it was just about putting the drugs down. But I realize that’s just the beginning. And they were just the only way I knew how to fix the pain. But I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life repairing all that damage. And I’m going to work so hard on myself. How are you doing?” “Better than yesterday. I think it was just — it was a strange feeling, coming home and knowing that you had used. It’s good to have tried and realized that now is not the best time to try and do it.” “Yeah.” “Two weeks off for Easter, OK? Come off the medication. Then that’ll be it. Then carry on as if nothing’s ever happened. That’s, that’s —” “What I mean. That was just naïve, I think.” “But that’s not — that’s not negative, because now you know that.” “Yeah, I’ve been trying to say that. It’s not necessarily a failure to say that to myself.” “Well, it definitely isn’t.” “Yeah, yeah, it’s a kind of warning, I think, that you just can’t get — this stuff is serious.” “Yeah.” “I just feel really close but still really far. But this is my goodbye.” [BIRD CALLS] “I’ll never forget you. I wish I’d never met you. I thought death was worth it. But I have a self to recover.” [BIRD CALLS] [FALLING RAIN]