It’s been a great start to Euro 2024.
We have seen adventurous teams enlist attacking, open-minded, front-foot football, throwback strikers, full stadiums with boisterous crowds making a hell of a noise and a succession of unyielding thunderbastards from long range. What’s not to like?
There have been some outstanding individual performances, notably from Jamal Musiala, Fabian Ruiz and N’Golo Kante, but the star of the show so far? Some guy called Own Goal.
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Six of the opening 59 goals of the tournament have been scored by the lad (and he’s had one taken back) — that’s a 10 per cent ratio any player would be proud of. It is already the most of any European Championship, bar the 2021 event, which had 11 by the end.
It feels like an unusually high number and, best of all, four have been a classic of the own goal genre. There is tomfoolery to be had, so let’s have it.
Antonio Rudiger vs Scotland
We start with the second tamest, least amusing and least consequential. Sorry.
It’s 4-0 to Germany, the “no Scotland, no party” songs have deteriorated from thousands defiantly singing en masse to one drunken bloke somberly muttering it under his breath.
Then a brief moment to savour. Andy Robertson’s deep free kick bounces through to Scott McKenna, who heads back across goal into the crowd of players.
It deflects off Rudiger’s head past a helpless Manuel Neuer and the Scotland fans behind the goal go nuts.
Germany are livid. They flail their arms, exasperated at the loss of a clean sheet. Niclas Fullkrug even motions that he might sink to his knees. Rudiger’s face is a picture. Who or what is he blaming? His team mates? The referee? The air?
It’s been a humbling night for Scotland, but now the party can start again. In the fan mile behind the Brandenburg Gate, they’re jumping up and down, lobbing pints and singing again. All is well. Until the 93rd minute.
Maximilian Wober vs France
France: Euros favourites, World Cup finalists, one of the best teams on the planet with Kylian Mbappe, Marcus Thuram, Ousmane Dembele and Antoine Griezmann capable of winning any game on their own.
In this particular game, though, they needed Own Goal to come to the fore to give them three points against Austria.
Mbappe is the architect, barraging to the byline past Phillipp Mwene and, well, it’s a weird one really.
He’s aiming for Griezmann, but instead the two Austria defenders steal a march and both go for the ball.
Kevin Danso misses it, but Wober, clearly distracted by his team-mate, gets his angles all wrong, presumably thinking Danso is going to head it himself, and so inadvertently just plants a lovely cushioned header past his own keeper.
It’s Laurel and Hardy for 2024.
Robin Hranac vs Portugal
Portugal look completely bereft of ideas. They’re on autopilot now, like trying to cross a busy road with a hangover it’s all about your instincts kicking in, back to basics, crosses and long shots.
Czech Republic, desperately holding on to a 1-0 lead, are doing fine. It’s all quite meat-and-drinky to them.
Oh look, here comes another cross from Vitinha, or look, there’s Nuno Mendes at the back post but he won’t score from there, no problem lads. Or, zadny problem, as they say over there.
Mendes heads it down, but it’s pretty tame and ‘keeper Jindrich Stanek is all over it.
Good reactions, good dive, but hang on, you’re going to parry it? Just grab the ball, Jindrich, mate.
Oh no, there’s the ricochet.
Oh no.
Oh, Jindrich.
Klaus Gjasula vs Croatia
We’re taking the cruelty levels up a notch here with plucky Albania horrifyingly surrendering the lead in the space of three crazy minutes.
Croatia have already equalised and here they come again. Albania look scared, they’re a bit all over the shop, they’re desperate just to get rid of the ball.
Ante Budimir pulls it back for Luka Sucic…
His shot is brilliantly blocked by captain Berat Djimsiti…
But rebounds, slapstick-style, off the helpless substitute Gjasula and into the net.
Fortunately for Gjasula, he ended up nabbing the stoppage time equaliser to sort of cancel out his buffoonery.
Fabian Schar vs Scotland
When is an own goal not an own goal? A question that UEFA mulled for much of Switzerland’s game against Scotland before overruling its own verdict.
What always looked like an unfortunate deflection at best from a shot on target was at first decreed by UEFA to be the fifth OG of the tournament.
From a Scotland counter, Callum McGregor tees up Scott McTominay who strikes it low and true but straight at ‘keeper Yann Sommer.
Sommer presumably doesn’t feel the need to shout at Schar to leave it, so Schar sticks out an ungainly leg…
And it flies into the corner.
It’s not an own goal. And shortly before the game was over, UEFA updated its own decision from the 13th minute, denying Own Goal a second of the tournament against the Scots and handing it to McTominay.
Riccardo Calafiori vs Spain
This just looks like an unfortunate ricochet on first viewing but then you get into body positions and intentions and oh my goodness.
Neco Williams tees up with a fizzing low cross.
Gianluigi Donnarumma palms it towards Calafiori…
And Calafiori sort of just runs into the ball with his knee.
Then he falls over as the ball hits the back of the net. Yep, it ain’t pretty.
Samet Akaydin vs Portugal
Goalkeeper Altay Bayindir: “Samet mate whatever you do, keep an eye on where I am when you pass it back to me, yeah?”
Defender Samet Akaydin: “Yep, no problem.”
Bayindir: “Samet! Don’t do it! Noooooo!”
Bayindir: “Oh for f…..”
Akaydin: “Keeps where the hell were you?!”
Bayindir: “Oh now you look at me!”
Martin Dubravka vs Spain, Euro 2020
But none on our list get anywhere near the unfiltered calamity of Martin Dubravka against Spain at the last Euros.
Maybe because it was played during the pandemic when no one could remember anything, this has already been erased from people’s memories.
It’s worth you popping it back in there.
Pablo Sarabia’s thunderbolt cannons off the bar and heads vertical.
Dubravka’s got it, he’s cool, he’s going to push it over the bar for a corner, no worries.
Martin, what you doing pal?
It’s not a bar of soap, just push it.
Oh my good lord.
Yep, the face that says you’re going to end up in The Athletic’s own goals compilation article.
(Top image: Wyscout)