The Armies: The curse of the Canucks’ Sprite can jersey

VANCOUVER, BC - FEBRUARY 19: Jake Virtanen #18 of the Vancouver Canucks and Neal Pionk #4 of the Winnipeg Jets battle for the puck behind the net during NHL hockey action at Rogers Arena on February 19, 2021 in Vancouver, Canada. (Photo by Rich Lam/Getty Images)
By Harman Dayal
Feb 20, 2021

It was destined to happen the moment Wyatt said he’d help me write Friday’s Armies the Canucks tweeted it.

You know how you’re not supposed to point out that your team’s goalie is in line for a shutout before the game’s over because you’ll jinx it? Well, the Canucks somehow managed to do the opposite. They jinxed their own offence by declaring that they’d be giving away one of their Sprite can look-alike Reverse Retro jerseys for every goal they scored Friday.

As soon as the tweet was sent, you could just sniff Friday’s 2-0 shutout loss to the Jets coming a mile away.

And yes, since Wyatt somehow always ends up writing about the shutouts and losses, the result was also cemented when he pitched in to help write Friday night.

The Canucks continued the trend of showing a strong process as they decisively outshot and outchanced the Jets at five-on-five, but the team did that thing they used to do in the pre-Elias Pettersson days of making a backup goalie look like the second coming of Dominik Hasek. The beneficiary Friday was Laurent Brossoit, who posted his second career blank sheet, the other one coming against … you guessed it, the Canucks.

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Vancouver’s turned around the quality of their play, ranking top-five in the NHL for five-on-five shot attempts and scoring chance share in their past six games, but the shooting luck has evaporated (shooting just six percent during this stretch) and the push overall seems like it’s a day late and a dollar short.

Anyway, congratulations to all the lucky jersey giveaway winners!

Best scrum

Timeline-wise, Daniel is correct.

Spiritually, Quads is correct.

Though how 1-year-old Quads knew about the U2 intro remains a mystery.

Best slow turn of phrase

This is a town that has a long history of loving high-speed pursuits. It’s why we have “Tambellini Tuesdays” in Vancouver, where people randomly chase a person down a block away from them, in honour of Jeff.

So we do have to point out that Alex Edler turned a tad slow on that goal and seemed to struggle chasing down the kid who just wanted to find some Goldschläger.

And to be fair to Edler, J.T. Miller also looked tepid on this play. He was either exhausted and only there for moral support, or he chose the beer league approach where hey, why waste energy back checking when you can use it on the next shift in the offensive zone?

Best take your filthy like and get out of here

Best stay a while and listen

Thatcher Demko sure looked Spritely on that save — wait, Drance already did that joke, damn it.

The point is, Thatcher Demko played fantastic on a night where unfortunately the one mistake he couldn’t stop ended up being the one that decided the game.

But if you want to see a goalie scratch and claw to keep his team in it, Demko had you covered:

Cross-crease one-timer tap-ins? Computer says no:

The best play of the night from Demko, though, was on a play late in the second period where it looked like the Jets might have gotten the puck over the line:

But showing a veteran savvy beyond his years, Demko does the ol’ “Oh, let me just shuffle my pad out of the net while I conceal the puck” Wirt’s leg move that ruins any chance of seeing if the puck was in the net.

Well played Thatcher.

Well played.

End result: 29 saves on 30 shots. 12 of the high danger variety.

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Good game, but once again, the Canucks offense ends up flat.

Like Sprite.

You got it, right?

Best freshly squeezed highlights

Two things about this sequence of events.

  1. When Brock Boeser held onto the puck and didn’t go top shelf where Mom keeps the AOL dial-up CDs, you could collectively feel the city of Vancouver get just a little bit sadder.
  2. You play long enough with a chaotic neutral rogue in Tyler Myers, and you pick up some of his habits. This is why Olli Juolevi goes net front and almost scores. You could almost see Myers getting ready to do his “milking a cow” victory dance if O.J. scores there.

Speaking of Juolevi, he seemed like he was in the middle of a lot of action. Most of it was positive as he did a great job of supporting the puck and pinching at opportune times to keep offensive zone possessions alive. But before we get into that, let’s get the one blemish — getting walked in the neutral zone by Nikolaj Ehlers — out of the way.

I don’t think the “looking slow and getting turnstiled” part is what fans meant when comparing some of Juolevi’s cerebral skills to Edler.

Still, it was a mostly solid night for the Finnish rookie by both the eye and the numbers (67 percent expected goal share with Juolevi deployed).

We know that Juolevi has challenges defending in space so the key for him to overcome that is to make decisive reads that enable him to close the gap before the play fully develops. The sequence below is a great example of that. He steps up on the play not once but twice to disrupt Winnipeg’s breakout attempt.

Later in the game, I love how he realizes he probably isn’t quick enough to beat the Jets forward in a foot race on the dump and chase so Juolevi just drops him in the neutral zone with a heavy hit before starting a clean exit the other way.

The hype train is probably ahead of itself on Juolevi because he’s still being very sheltered but it’s nice to see him show flashes that he can hang at the NHL level since returning to the lineup.

Best video game stats

It’s true, if the Nature Boy isn’t going to bust out the “S” deke, at least run into the goalie and force him over the line to get the goal there.

Nate Schmidt hasn’t been as dynamic this season as fans would have hoped, but he’s played steady two-way hockey and driven play. Friday night was definitely a step in the right direction for him in terms of unlocking his more dynamic traits, too. The breakaway was only one example of him covering a ton of ice with his skating and jumping in the rush to create offensive zone entries.

Those entries didn’t directly lead to scoring chances other than the play above, but even just getting from Point A to Point B in transition is a much-needed asset for this Canucks team.

As the team’s structure continues to stabilize as it has recently and as Schmidt becomes more acclimated with the system and his teammates, his confidence to make plays like these is only going to increase.

Best non-Finnish snake bite

Clearly, Adam Gaudette is struggling under the curse of No. 96.

We all know this ends with him in Florida.

Presumably for Dave Gagner, who is not a throw-in.

Also, when you realize it was Brandon Sutter who made the pass on the first chance that should have gone in, it’s clear the hockey gods are rooting for Braden Holtby, who has one assist, to finish the season with more assists than Sutter.

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Best Harlem Globetrotters

At one point in the third period, the Canucks looked like the Sedins came out of retirement as the Lotto Line danced all over the offensive zone for what felt like hours.

The end result? Zero shots.

But at least it looked really pretty?


Clearly, Kyle is on to something, though, because if we can have fake cheers in the arena, we can also get the always helpful “shooooooot” chant into the speakers.

What if they simply forgot to shoot?

Worst new flavour

 

Best deciphering “The Code”

Hey, it’s late in the game, and it’s close, so no need to call penalties anymore:

The problem is, in Vancouver Tyler Minors has given us all sorts of ways that cross-checks can be called penalties. We’re what you call experts on the subject now.

So to see Derek Forbort get away with three cross-checks and get no call, well, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. That’s the refs saying they want to get home and get some sleep.

As for why Forbort was handing out the lumber, it’s because he crouched his 6-foot-4 frame to the ground and made himself small enough for Nils Höglander to drive through him with a solid check:

So, yes, it hits Forbort’s face, but the ref didn’t call it. And if we’ve been told anything in hockey, it’s that the retaliation usually gets called.

It also feels like it’s pretty hard to miss three cross-checks handed out over the space of five seconds, after just having gotten the attention of the referee by screaming at him.

But since apparently three cross-checks wasn’t enough street justice for Forbort, as the NHL bases their justice on a book written by Walder Frey, Forbort decided to jump Höglander near the end of the game:

Sometimes “The Code” feels like a bunch of made-up rules.

More like guidelines than anything.

Best stone-cold reaction

Höglander isn’t going to back down an inch next game, is he?

Best throwback

Best Google search

Best fly-by

We’d like to imagine it was vicious chirping about their respective Warzone loadouts, but I assume it was something banal.

“You look like a can of 7-Up.”

“I think it’s Sprite, actually.”

“Oh, I don’t really drink pop, to be honest.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Well, good luck tonight.”

“You, too.”

Also, Pettersson is clearly a FFAR man.

Best tight squeeze

That jersey represents the Canucks salary cap situation better than any article ever could.

Best VIP request

A VIP asked us to talk about John Garrett dropping “Sprite Green” into the broadcast tonight.

You ask, we deliver. This is our system.

We’re like the Olive Garden, except we don’t hand out free breadsticks, we hand out gifs.

We’re like Luca Sbisa, except we don’t hand out free turnovers in the slot, we hand out videos.

We’re like Roberto Luongo, except we don’t hand out crushing cap compliance, we — OK, you get the point.

It’s hard to figure out which is the best part — John Shorthouse bringing the thunder down on anyone who can’t read the reverse retro jerseys from afar, or Garrett trying so hard to land his punchline.

They are two of the very best for a reason.

Best sobriety medallion

Best stretched thin

Best troll idea

OK, so Cameo is a website that allows fans to pay a fee and request short video messages from celebrities. Like, if you’re about to have a birthday dinner for your significant other, there’s no better way to set the mood than by requesting a video from the queen of awkward dinner parties, Jan from The Office.

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The videos are usually meant to be lighthearted and personal — a way for fans to connect with their idols.

One fan decided to go trolling and paid former Canuck Zack Kassian $100 to request this video message that went viral.

“That Matthew Tkachuk hit was clean,” he said of the Tkachuk hit on Kassian that enraged him and started a brawl last season. “I admire him for dropping the gloves with me. It’s hard to imagine why you’re not a fan of the Flames. Go Flames.”

You can just see a little piece of Kassian’s soul die for every word he speaks praising Tkachuk and saying “Go Flames” as an Oilers player.

Mark Messier’s on Cameo so now I’m just picturing No. 11 waking up to a request from Mr. Booth_7 asking for a video message to call himself the worst captain in Canucks history.

Worst slow death of Tommy Kippes

They’re killing our boy.

Best call to action

The Canucks need new life to invigorate them. They need something special to rally around. They need a compliance buyout for Loui Eriksson a reason to believe.

Vancouver sits with eight percent playoff odds by Dom Luszczyszyn’s model, and that’s before Friday’s loss. At this rate, it won’t be long before the Team Tank train starts accepting members aboard again and fans look ahead to the hope that a lottery pick might provide them.

We’re convinced that the only thing that can salvage this Canucks season is another series of passionate tweets from Canucks owner Francesco Aquilini.

If not to save the season, it’ll at least entertain the market and give people something to talk about.

Give the people what they need, Francesco.

Wyatt Arndt contributed to this edition of The Armies

— Data via Natural Stat Trick

(Photo of Jake Virtanen, Neal Pionk: Stacy Revere / Getty Images)

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Harman Dayal

Harman Dayal is a staff writer for The Athletic NHL based in Vancouver. He combines NHL video and data analysis and tracks microstats as part of his coverage. Follow Harman on Twitter @harmandayal2