One Weird Thing: Jakob Glesnes and the MLS center back golazo hall of fame

LOS ANGELES, CA - MARCH 8: Jakob Glesnes #5 of Philadelphia Union celebrates his goal on a free kick against Los Angeles FC during the MLS match at the Banc of California Stadium on March 8, 2020 in Los Angeles, California. The match ended in a 3-3 draw. (Photo by Shaun Clark/Getty Images)
By Adam Snavely
Mar 9, 2020

I, like you, enjoy watching a great many MLS games. Good ones, bad ones, ones that have little to no bearing on teams I actually care about. So perhaps you, like me, decided to yourself, “LAFC vs. Philadelphia Union starting after 10 p.m. EST with work on Monday just around the corner? Yeah, that sounds like my brand of crazy!” 

Advertisement

Reader, you and I were absolutely rewarded for our willingness to stay up to 1 a.m. on a Monday morning, because this game had a little bit of everything. Some surprise leads from the Philadelphia Union, quick-succession equalizers from LAFC, six goals between the two teams, a nice Brenden Aaronson goal in the 69th minute, a Carlos Vela Special…

Not to mention, amidst the gentlemen’s agreement between the two teams to just not worry about playing defense, Andre Blake not really getting that message and rescuing a point for the Union multiple times while getting beat up in the process.

In general, the game contained the appropriate levels of insanity to keep me wired well into the wee hours of the morning and destroy any hope my body had of adjusting to daylight savings time. 

But enough talk about the game, which was good, or the plays, which were good, or Carlos Vela, who was good and also handsome. Let’s talk about the only question that really matters:

Who the hell is Jakob Glesnes?

When I saw the name, I assumed that Philly had either produced yet another defender and fast-tracked him to their first team, or had struck gold in one of the later rounds of the MLS SuperDraft. But no, this Scandinavian string bean was an actual, real-life signing this offseason, a 25-year-old whose career stops include Stromsgodset Toppfotball in the Norwegian Eliteserien and the Norwegian U21 national team. And yes, Stromsgodset are a decently strong side in Norway, but you’ll forgive me if I didn’t realize they were sending the Philadelphia Union a center back with Thor’s hammer for a right foot. 

Advertisement

Seriously, who gave this man permission to walk around looking like an extra in the Broadway national tour of the Book of Mormon and then hit a free kick like that? Does Roberto Carlos know about this? Were there any subcommittee meetings from the Coalition of Defenders Scoring Bangers? We need answers.

The best part of the goal might just be the commentary from Stu Holden and John Strong, which moves quickly from two people trying to say “this is a bad idea” without saying it while Glesnes lines up the shot, to doing everything in their power to not swear on national television when the ball hits net. The goal is so stunning it produces genuine shock and not simply polished excitement from the commentary team. It’s just as good of a watch in Spanish.

LAFC, of course, is no stranger to long-range free kicks from center backs. Laurent Ciman scored the first goal in Banc of California MLS history with a free kick, although his effort was a bit more…speculative, shall we say. Center backs do have a rich tradition of scoring spectacular goals, many of them of the acrobatic variety. Patrick Ianni had a picture-perfect scissor kick for Seattle in 2012, and Ike Opara had himself a great moment of ingenuity with a running, turning bicycle for Sporting KC in 2017. And then, of course, there is the originator of the MLS center acroback, Marcelo Balboa, and the 2000 goal of the year.

And there have also been plenty of long-range efforts as well. Michael Parkhurst’s one and only MLS goal was a half-field lob for the Revolution in 2007. Djimi Traore damn near broke the sound barrier against Tigres in the 2013 CONCACAF Champions League. But I can’t recall an MLS center back hitting a free kick this far out, this well. It is, quite frankly, up there with the best free kicks I’ve ever seen. And that includes noted better-MLS-player-than-Carlos Vela, Dwayne De Rosario (presented by Sierra Mist. Not really. But hey, if Sierra Mist wants to pay me, go for it, guys).

So here’s to you, Jakob Glesnes. You State Farm Insurance-looking madman. Way to keep us on our toes.

Pablo Maurer’s Award Time

(with Adam Snavely)

Hey. It’s still me. This is usually Pablo’s domain, but he’s on a mini-vacation. Let’s get into it.

The Coldplay Award for Trying Your Best, but Not Succeeding goes to Djordje Mihailovic, who tried his best to close down New England Revolution trickster Cristian Penilla. 

As Chris Martin says, “tears stream down your face / when you lose your feet and can’t keep pace,” or something like that.

The Adam Whittaker Snavely Award for Doing a Genuinely Good Thing that I Can’t Make Fun of goes to Nashville SC and the Portland Timbers for their efforts in supporting the Middle Tennessee Tornado Relief Fund, a week after a tornado blew through Tennessee and caused considerable damage and human casualties.I can’t really be sarcastic here. Just a good job all around, everybody. Keep helping each other.

The Flannery O’Connor Memorial Award for a Good Man Being Hard to Find goes to Chicharito, baby!

I know that the United States is somewhat unique in terms of media access and journalists being allowed into locker rooms, and there’s a separate debate to be had about that, but one thing is for sure: pretty much every sports team in the US has open locker room policies. Reporters can go talk to Lebron and Russel Westbrook and Tom Brady and whoever else they want, because if teams try to shield them from press, their leagues fine them. I’m waiting to see if MLS levies a similar fine against Chicharito or the Galaxy, but if they don’t, and continue to let teams get away with flaunting their own media policy, MLS just encourages outlets to not cover the league. And removing media coverage of MLS is not something the attention-starved league can afford. 

Take it from Marshawn Lynch. Sometimes it’s best to just show up so you don’t get fined.

(Photo: Shaun Clark / Getty Images)

Get all-access to exclusive stories.

Subscribe to The Athletic for in-depth coverage of your favorite players, teams, leagues and clubs. Try a week on us.