Dinner Party Cheat Sheet runs about ten inches of text every week. Nothing should be inferred from this. Oh, okay. Infer away.
SHOE HORNY
After studying 104 men, British researchers at University College London have concluded that foot size does not reflect the size of a man’s genitalia, according to Post Wire Services. “The ability to predict the size of a man’s penis by observing his shoe size is a common misconception,” said a head researcher, sporting size-three Nikes.
SWINTON LOW
Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered the firing of a city housing official who took more than an hour of smoking breaks. Robert Swinton, the director of the Office of Facility Planning for the Housing Authority was tossed from his $80,000-a-year job for his excessive puffing. Swinton can now apply for his dream job: poster boy for emphysema.
McCALL COLLECT
Carl McCall, state comptroller and Democratic candidate for governor, apologized for passing on resumes with letters he wrote on government stationary. McCall handlers say their man has learned his lesson and will now seek favors over the phone.
HANOVER MOUTH
Months after finalizing his divorce with Donna Hanover, Rudy Giuliani says he will “soon” marry girlfriend Judi Nathan. “We’re just going to kind of keep it to ourselves exactly how, when, where,” the former Hizzoner told Larry King. Giuliani’s bachelor party, however, will be thrown at Scores courtesy of the Brooklyn Museum of Art.
TORRI-SILLY
With less than 35 days to the election, N.J. Senator Robert Torricelli quit his bid to become Senator once more because he thought he couldn’t win. Even though Torricelli insisted he did nothing wrong, his opponent was tarnishing Torricelli’s campaign by repeatedly bringing up a gift-taking scandal. “My life is a torrent,” said Torricelli during a tear-filled press conference. Why can’t New Jersey ever get away from stink?
IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said the Iraqi people could help the U.S. out a lot by killing Saddam Hussein. If that can’t happen, Fleischer hopes the Iraqi people can save the U.S. money by building a few landing strips and preparing some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the troops.